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Chancer Blog

Here’s my helper, writing outside on New Year’s Eve morning. The power is out, but is it? It is really?

 

This marks my fifth Christmas here, I can hardly believe it myself. I’m still stopped in my tracks in amazement all the time, the things that you never get used to. It’s important to feel wonder at everyday things.

I’m doing a cleanse to mark the end of this year. I feel I need to shed it all off of me, glean what I can use and discard the rest. I’m not doing the type of cleanse that makes you shit out a wagon wheel you had in grade four. It’s a different type of voiding.

I started by removing a few people from my facebook. It was so exhilarating, I went in a took off a few more. I went back a few days later to sweep up a few stragglers. I’m not done, but I’m done for now.

It’s not that I don’t like them, or that I lost interest, but I also did lose interest. I just really feel like I need to move forward. Many of the people I removed pay little to no attention to me anyhow, so I doubt a lot of them even noticed.

Some of them were dead, and that’s a strange sensation, removing the people who are no longer here. Many of these ‘friends’ are people I remember as a teenage and snow they are grandparents. It’s nice to connect and catch up but that’s enough. You know where I am if you need me.

I like my life and often feel distracted by what others are projecting, your kids or grandkids or your holiday. Yeah, it’s nice but I’m trying to focus more on my own life. Not what I project it to be, the real one.

I cleared out all my emails, too. Some were there from people who are no longer alive. There were a few that popped up while mass deleting from my job this past year. It was a strange sensation, to see them.

The company use a cartoon-like character that is red and looks really angry. It always bothered me, to open an email and see this angry face. Did they think it was helping? I used to get stressed each time I saw it, and I am truly relieved I don’t have to see it any longer.

I had an interesting flood of reaction to it, and none of it was pleasant. As much as I miss the weekly payday, I really don’t miss the job. It’s made me more determined to become more self-self-sufficient without the aid of agencies or these writing mills that are just factories.

I’m taking a page or two out of the Book of Cat. They are content and feel none of the stress of not knowing where the next meal is coming from. They know exactly where it’s coming from. The cupboard beside the stove.

Jang hands

Absolute purfection. Look how he crosses his hands.

I didn’t know what to expect when I first moved here, and frankly, I still don’t. But every year is still a wonder and a marvel and I love it. Not every second, but I’m pleased that I’ve been able to live here and function and I’m sitting outside in the warmth.

My power has been out for about three hours already and I love that my neighbours a few doors down are using their precious generator power to blast music. It’s New Year’s Eve, so what if it’s not yet noon? That’s how we roll here.

I’m making some changes and taking what I’ve learned to move forward. I can do that. I’m changing the way I think about things, the language I use, (not the swears and stuff, I’m keeping that) and deeming myself worthy.

I certainly learned a lot this past year. About myself, about friends, like who is and isn’t. About how to survive and that I admire myself a lot more than I give myself credit for.

I’m at the end and the beginning. I’m reset to 000 and starting again, but better.

Here’s to shedding the old and finding the new.

2018, you sashay away.

Merry Tuesday

If you celebrate, if not, just have a Tuesday. I’m ignoring as much as I can about this season. Last year sucked a lot, and I swore it would be better this year. The middle of the year got marginally better, as I had a regular (mostly) payday, but I hated earning it.

This year I’m broke and just hovering at zero, but at least I’m not crying and thinking about killing myself and the cats. That was really difficult. So, in a sense, it is better this year. The mood, but not the situation.

Many years ago, when I moved to Vancouver and it was too far to participate in regular Christmas traditions, insomuch as my family had them, this season became so much easier. After my mother passed, my dad and I claimed we didn’t care if we had a Christmas or not.

It was kind of like when you and someone else are expressing yourselves and both say it at the same time. My dad and I did that. ‘I don’t give a shit’ ‘Whew’ ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Whew’ ‘Me, too’ ‘Well, I’m glad we had this talk’ ‘You hang up first’.

it was so much easier after that. I didn’t have to spend a shitload of money I didn’t have and be happy about a bunch of crap I was receiving that only proved after X amount of years, my parents had no idea who I was.

I thought about this past year and I had a few really good days, a few weeks and even months, in fact. If there is anything I have learned from life and these forced holidays are enjoy the good when it’s there. It won’t always be.

I decided that those days a few months ago when I had money and was drinking wine on my balcony and my cats had tuna were enough to carry me through this stupid season. Why does it have to be dictated when I can enjoy myself?

When I had income, I bought a large bag of cat food, but not for my cats. I carry some with me and when I see a stray dog or cat, which is always, I give it to them. I often buy a can of dog food, just to have on me for these poor souls, as well.

My Tuesday is okay, today. I still have a bit of food in the house, the cats are fed and it’s a beautiful day here. I can hear music and people celebrating and I am always acutely aware there are always people worse off than I am.

Happy Tuesday, from Jango, Chance and me.

 

JangoChanceMee